My thoughts for the month

So it’s a new year! “yay” he says so unenthusiastically

It has come to that point where i need to look back once again and reflect on, my life up until this point. I am going to be completely honest, I feel like absolute dog shit. for the past year all I’ve done is wake up, wishing to go back to sleep. I have been living a life that I never wanted for myself and it has come up to this point, this edge that i am standing on. I have fucked up so bad and now comes the hard part in trying to fix my mistakes, yet…that question still pops up time and time again:”Should I?”

what i mean by those words is that i feel like i don’t want to fix it. I have become so complacent these few months where i had no-one to talk to but myself for the most time. My friends came to visit on occasion but the more they came, the more dull the conversations started to become. Every day was the same and most night i couldn’t sleep so i resorted to “sleep medication” and still  i would hope not to wake up in the morning.

This has been an ongoing problem for me. I have many people who would tell me to change my routine, and they do but still that question keeps on returning:”should I?”. And in all fairness I should but why don’t I? I keep on hoping something will change for me. If anyone reading this has watched the new IT movie, there is a scene in where an old man(the grandfather i think) tells the young boy one thing when he couldn’t slaughter the sheep in front of him. He said, “If you dont pull that trigger someone else will do it for you, and you wont know it until that bolt hits you right between the eyes.”

That one line sticks with me even now. I have been trying to avoid talking about this and i probably will continue to dodge this conversation but something needs to change, I need to change. I have a therapists appointment on the 18th and i am not looking forward to that day, for the simple reason that I will have to confess my emotion and be scolded for doing what i ain’t. She will be even less joyful when I need to tell her about my current education mishaps, how i failed my year again, how I made it out to be a joke and payed heavily for it. No school will accept me, And i cant go to college since i want to finish my school the proper way so i can one day provide for my family by earning a fair wage, yet in my current situation I would be lucky to become a taxi driver.

I don’t want to go, because I can’t express enough how this major fuck up motivates me to work harder than I have ever done. I dont want to had a principal a special envelope that will magically get me into their school system. I want to retrace my footsteps and continue my home school charade and finish it. I know I sound stubborn, but I can’t let my honor be undermined like that. I made a promise and I couldn’t keep it. Me! So I will fix it, I will go as far as to be a slave to pay for my school funds, but i will do this and do it right. I will not let someone else pull the trigger!

and even though there is much that needs changing, I will take my life, one step at a time until my knees turn to dust.

I don’t want to wake up on that day when my lungs feel heavy, when my heart beats slowly and when my joints rust, only to look deeply into the mirror and say, I wish i did that.

 

I look back on what I have written and i feel like words can’t express my thoughts without an element of confusion. Yet writing this didn’t answer my burning question, “Should I?”

I’ll leave that to you?

Should I?