Beauty, What does that mean?

What is beauty? Define Beauty?

a Definition given by google:

“a Combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.”

So beauty is simply aesthetic? In one sense, yes… It can be. If you say “that is a really beautiful flower.” It is aesthetically pleasing indeed but can we look at beauty from a different perspective?

Inner beauty? No-matter how beautiful a person may be, it doesn’t mean they will have a beautiful personality. So, if you say: “She isn’t a super model, but she is beautiful where it counts, she is beautiful on the inside.” Sure, that can be another type of beauty, right?

Lets delve even deeper into the concept…wait! The concept of beauty? What would that mean? Well, lets change our previous statement a small bit: “She isn’t a super model, but she is beautiful to me.” a Vague way to express your emotion, but more pure than inner beauty. This would imply that the person isn’t just one of the two, inner or outer beauty but a combination of both to you.

Yet all of this still does not explain the concept of beauty?

What about art? We have only been discussing personal beauty, but what of something that isn’t biological? You may say: “This is a masterpiece! the colours used are so extravagant yet so calming. This is truly beautiful.” We are creating a new definition of beauty as we go, yet this still applies to the very aesthetic we discussed earlier. All of these examples focuses on something or someone. Perhaps there is more to just aesthetic beauty?

I don’t think we fully uncovered the concept of beauty so lets revisit the topic.

If we would step away from our current thought process, can we say that not the “thing” or “person” is beautiful but the idea? Lets revise our previous statement to help us understand: “This work of art is exquisite but the meaning of the piece is even more beautiful.” This way we are not focusing on the aesthetic yet the very idea. The meaning behind the subject. However this only raises more questions doesn’t it? If we follow this thought process where an idea is beautiful, does that mean everything is at its core, beauty?

Lets explore this new found concept.

Lets make an extremely bold statement: “The Holocaust was beautiful.” I know, I know… I just lost you and your probably very angry with me right now, hell you might even unfollow me for even thinking that but… What if I’m right? Just hear me out, If beauty is an idea and the concept of an idea is beautiful then the idea of the Holocaust is, at its core beautiful.  This is what I like to call chaotic beauty.

Let me explain:

Chaotic beauty: finding beauty in aftermath or during the occurrence of a tragedy. If we follow this idealism we can say that every tragedy is then also beautiful. For example, think of all the medical advancements made because of the human experiments that where done in Germany during the Second World War. The Nature reserve project first implemented by Hitler? Or maybe we can look at it from a different angle, Why did WWII happen in the first place? Why where all the minority forced out of Germany and when they resisted where forced into concentration camps and killed? Hitler had an idea, his idea was to rise Germany from poverty, and take revenge for the injustice done by the allied nations, to create an empire full of pure blooded Germans. So when it was set in motion, the chaos that followed was beautiful. It was an Idea made reality, and again, if an idea is beautiful then when made into reality, the actions must be beautiful aswell right?

Now I am not saying what he did was morally correct, in fact I believe it was cruel, when I look at it from a different angle. Wait a second! Perspective, angles?

Is that what real beauty is? Only an idea, a certain Perspective of the situation or person? If that’s true, then not anything nor nothing is beautiful. This delving far too deep into the unexplored areas of our human minds, and if we continue we may not be able to reach sanity again…so I’ll leave it at that, for now. Tell me What you think? Do you agree with my hypothesis? If not, then comment on what you might find beauty to be, I’d love to hear you out! If you’d like to hear me ramble on more about topics similar to this, please like the page to let me know!


Thank you!




Story Time with a touch of God?

So for whatever reason you follow my blog page, or even if you don’t, to find some emotion within yourself, whatever that emotion may be…when reading one or more of my posts, poems and more, all I ask is to bare with me in these times. Because as sad and depressing this may sound, you the reader is at the moment more real to me than my own reality. I just want to also thank you for sticking with me if you’ve been following my scriptures for some time, and if your new… welcome my faceless friend.


Right, well… If you are religious I want to ask that you either turn away at this point or if you feel up to it embark with me upon a journey that you may not have heard before. a Sort of perspective that may not be apparent to everyone and without further ado please, enjoy-ish….


Where to start? Well i guess ill have to go way way back, to when i was but a child not even old enough to grow my first chin hairs. My family was always religious, and i predict they will remain that way at least on my father’s side. I was brought up in a christian home, where both my parents claim to have witnessed miracles themselves, where God saved my mother from jumping of a quite bridge at 2am. to saving my father from having to vacate our home, sell all our belongings and to find us an old tree to sleep under. These occurrences happened far back into the past, to when my mother was still carrying me inside her womb. Yet one thing i have experienced through countless disappointments in Christ is that no matter how many metaphors there may be in the bible or how many stories i can be told about miracles, in the end remain stories. I say this because without experiencing these so-called miracles myself they remain fiction, an image created by my imagination, you see, in the end no matter how many witnesses of miracles I speak to, I will never have any idea as to what they are talking about because of my lack of experience.


So back to the story, I was a joyful child. Without worry or regret. Why you may ask? well because I was a christian at one time in my life, I was manipulated to believe things that I have no evidence of, and i suspect i never will have evidence of. So in my own world, oblivious to reality I was…happy… Then one day things changed, subtle at first and later on snowballing into chaos. You see the church i was in, the pastor at the front, giving his speeches was a master of manipulation. My mother at the time was going through a rough patch, she also suffers from countless mental disorders like myself and the cunning church used those inabilities that resided within my mother to convince my father she was unholy…a demon in human form… Needless to say, he was brainwashed enough to believe them, and choose their words over the one he loved most. This predicament almost cost my family dearly, I can still remember the fights they would have each night behind closed doors. They must have actually believed that i was really asleep, I always was a good actor in dire times i guess. Time passed and, my father luckily came too, and we left that Godless place. Ever since then I am unable to see a house of God with the same eyes.


I started realizing small hints of manipulation within the churches, things that if you are not careful, you can fall prey to as well. Ever really sat down and thought why? Why do you need to pay a tenth? My reasoning is simple, look at the car the pastor drives… the house he lives in, the jewelry his wife wares ( if he has one). They say its symbolic, a way to give back to God… but where did it come from? Well that’s a history lesson for another day, for now ill give a simple explanation; Roman Catholic Churches, but the trail back doesn’t stop there, ancient Egyptians? How you in those times you had to give an “offering” to merely set foot inside a temple? Maybe even further back? Maybe basic human nature itself? In truth, we are greedy… simply put, we strive to better ourselves and once we have, we look down on others, no matter how many times you may deny it. We turn to religion when we feel heavy with guilt, believing that something beyond our comprehension loves us and forgives us for what we’ve done, even if the victim of our discrimination doesnt. We manipulate to gain favor within others, so that some day we can use our “kindness” against them. We fear death, so its only natural to use our imagination to put our fears to rest, believing that there’s life after life. Who am i to say that there is or isn’t? Again, I have no experience with death so i cannot say what is true and what is false. I am not religious, I think you know that by now if you are still reading this but im am not not religious. I am simply unaffiliated and in a way my view of the world isnt all that much sunshine and rainbows but I truly think that is necessary for us as a whole to learn, by asking questions. I am not telling you to abandon your religion, no… I am simply urging you to think. To not look at the world through a two toned veil, where there is only good and evil. Look at the evil, and see the good and vise versa. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to manipulation of church or temple. Wake up! Think!


Why am i saying this all of a sudden? well i visited a church recently, its been a while since i did something like this… and nothings changed. I only wish they would be honest, say the tenth is to further the church, to by yourself new clothes, say its paying for a service… don’t say its the will of God. Be modest, don’t say things like christians are all about saving lives, when you never saved anyone. Dont say that you dont judge because i heard the whispers all around me while i wasnt singing. My scars are MINE and MINE to bare!…and dont look at me and smile, hoping i would sing along….


I don’t have a problem with God, I have a problem with His children.

and news flash by the way… don’t ask God for forgiveness, ask the person you’ve sinned against…that way you might save a life….

I have this image burned into my head…. I was sitting there, in the church, watching everyone pay there tenths, smiling. As we drove out of the parking area… i saw a homeless man, no one batted an eye.


Thank you…. and if you have questions or want to enlighten me… please don’t be scared to email me at or




What do i do?

I don’t often get questions asked a lot even i want people to ask.


Question: What do I like to do in my spare time?

My answer: Nothing

Question: What kind of music do I like?

My answer: All of it

Question: What games do i play?

My answer: None of them


Something must be wrong with me.

I love questions but hate my answers.

To my Parents


Yeah, you brought me into this life

And raised me to be someone great

Hopes and dreams you had stashed away

Deep inside of this bundle of joy


Now im older, and ive learned

That this song we all sing

Has the worst melody of all


Yeah, I made mistakes

Mistakes I can’t live down

And no matter how hard I try

No matter how hard you tell yourself

They will always haunt your memory


And yet so you can’t forgive me for it

Where I have forgiven you

For all you’ve done

Your words like a knife

Plunge deeper than the heart

Into my very soul


But its cool you love me right?

Your just doing this cuz you love your son right?

What the Fuck!

I guess in that case love still remains

A deep bitter-sweet pain

That’s all I feel for this bullshit of a  life.

But let me guess im too young to understand?

I’ll know what its like when I, yes me

Have kids of my own?


After all you said you feel bad, don’t you?

And now you expect I want your pity?

Fuck off!

Stop being so weak, you said what you meant

And meant what you said so,

Don’t be a coward and stick by those words


Oh am I being too sensitive now?

Yeah because I’m the one with depression

And all this bullshit hormones

It’s all just an act, I’ll get trough it right?


I guess now is the time!

The time for me to rise

And I don’t mean all that caterpillar to butterfly bullshit

No what I mean is that you will never, ever be able to touch me again


You do all this for me

And you feel like I don’t do anything back…

Well don’t worry I feel the exact same fucking way!


Take the knife, I wasn’t going to need it anyway

You look at me and see a fragile and broken bird

And while you wont admit it

I know what I am to you


I am the son that can never

Become what you want for me


Guess what?

I don’t care…


Its funny

how I will probably forget about this

in just a few years

and we will move on

falling into the same old

I love you

I love you too



Yet that routine is no lie

At least not for me

I do love you guys

But sometimes

Like all humans

Your just enormous assholes



I said how I felt


Leave me alone

My Own Music?!?

Hey Guys!

Just wanted to give you a quick update in that I, yes me! I am making my own music now aswell as posting blogs! Yaaaayyyy! You can find it in the link below, both to my BandLab profile aswell as my youtube page where I will be posting exclusives!


I also just wanted to apologize to my, what (4?) followers that I will be uploading shortly so not to panic, like you guys even noticed heheh and i will be updating very very soon!


Love you all!

and thanks for the support, have a nice day!


And as always

a’g’Bye! ☺

My thoughts for the month

So it’s a new year! “yay” he says so unenthusiastically

It has come to that point where i need to look back once again and reflect on, my life up until this point. I am going to be completely honest, I feel like absolute dog shit. for the past year all I’ve done is wake up, wishing to go back to sleep. I have been living a life that I never wanted for myself and it has come up to this point, this edge that i am standing on. I have fucked up so bad and now comes the hard part in trying to fix my mistakes, yet…that question still pops up time and time again:”Should I?”

what i mean by those words is that i feel like i don’t want to fix it. I have become so complacent these few months where i had no-one to talk to but myself for the most time. My friends came to visit on occasion but the more they came, the more dull the conversations started to become. Every day was the same and most night i couldn’t sleep so i resorted to “sleep medication” and still  i would hope not to wake up in the morning.

This has been an ongoing problem for me. I have many people who would tell me to change my routine, and they do but still that question keeps on returning:”should I?”. And in all fairness I should but why don’t I? I keep on hoping something will change for me. If anyone reading this has watched the new IT movie, there is a scene in where an old man(the grandfather i think) tells the young boy one thing when he couldn’t slaughter the sheep in front of him. He said, “If you dont pull that trigger someone else will do it for you, and you wont know it until that bolt hits you right between the eyes.”

That one line sticks with me even now. I have been trying to avoid talking about this and i probably will continue to dodge this conversation but something needs to change, I need to change. I have a therapists appointment on the 18th and i am not looking forward to that day, for the simple reason that I will have to confess my emotion and be scolded for doing what i ain’t. She will be even less joyful when I need to tell her about my current education mishaps, how i failed my year again, how I made it out to be a joke and payed heavily for it. No school will accept me, And i cant go to college since i want to finish my school the proper way so i can one day provide for my family by earning a fair wage, yet in my current situation I would be lucky to become a taxi driver.

I don’t want to go, because I can’t express enough how this major fuck up motivates me to work harder than I have ever done. I dont want to had a principal a special envelope that will magically get me into their school system. I want to retrace my footsteps and continue my home school charade and finish it. I know I sound stubborn, but I can’t let my honor be undermined like that. I made a promise and I couldn’t keep it. Me! So I will fix it, I will go as far as to be a slave to pay for my school funds, but i will do this and do it right. I will not let someone else pull the trigger!

and even though there is much that needs changing, I will take my life, one step at a time until my knees turn to dust.

I don’t want to wake up on that day when my lungs feel heavy, when my heart beats slowly and when my joints rust, only to look deeply into the mirror and say, I wish i did that.


I look back on what I have written and i feel like words can’t express my thoughts without an element of confusion. Yet writing this didn’t answer my burning question, “Should I?”

I’ll leave that to you?

Should I?




Hanging out


Now the last few days I havent uploaded really, I was well forgetting life while easing the pain of my friend. I have never thought that i would be put in such a situation. Countless nights my mind raced through just such a scenario yet when it came to it, I didn’t know what to do.

Now I’m not going to reveal his personal struggles but I will tell you my side of the story.

It started a few days ago when my one other friend(lets call him joe) came to visit me. We had some fun together, went out drinking and so forth but when we came back t my house not 10 minutes afterwords my friend(lets call him ben) came over with a disturbed look on his face. Even when he hid behind his mask, something felt off. Joe was hanging out with my brother and so I took the opportunity and dragged ben to my room. Now This is the part i cannot reveal to you but, it turned out he was depressed for the first time in his life. I wasnt surprised but to see him almost break out in tears, My heart sank.

We’ve been friends for almost 3 years and he’s always been there for me so to be there for him felt good. I tried my best to explain to him the do’s and dont’s about what to do when you have “given up”. He’s exact words where: “since you know more about depression than I do, I could think of no better person to come to”. He asked me to stay with him for a few days, to help keep his mind off of the situation and I gladly accepted to help him.

Days went on and long story short he began to hide his emotion more and more from everyone, and as far as I know his cousin and I are the only ones that really know and try to help him.

Today he is going to a get together where he will find the answers and… I fear he might come back worse off.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I am really worried about him and I don’t know what to really do to help. All I can do for now, is to be there for him as he was for me more times than I can remember.

If you know someone who struggles with depression and you know they may end up regretting their decisions… get them help, be there for them, listen to what their saying and do as much as you can to ease their pain.

I know… He was there for me…. and now…..


So i have been posting quite allot nowadays and well i am running a bit dry since my poems and stories take a bit of time to fabricate but ive said all of this before haven’t I.


I now have 3 followers! Yay i guess. I have also been nominated for the liebster awards and to be honest just being nominated is reward enough for me. To have only just begun a few weeks ago and already be nominated is… well more than i expected going into this mess. I want to thank Meher Gandhi for nominating me.

I also want to give (sort of) a shout-out to “MyNameIsDespair” a Really cool blogger. Funny how we have similar ideals about what we talk about and what we post. The real reason for making this page was to find people exactly like him/her and well i didn’t think to find anyone really heheh. So it took me a little by surprise.

Now for more… “real” discussions… I have fallen again and am struggling to get back up. I have cut again and I don’t know really what to do, I know it’s not the answer but sometimes you just need that instant of relief to prevent yourself from doing something even more stupid. That’s my reasoning… I’m not justifying it, I am merely legitimizing it.\

a Little more on the bright side of things i have made quite a bit of progress on my coding studies and while i am no pro I am able to write simple programs and to understand how they work.

And i think that’s all for today, see ya!


A’g’Bye!  ☺

The Liebster Awards???

Okay so, I have been nominated by Meher Gandhi for the liebster awards. In truth I really don’t think I deserve it…I have only just started blogging a few days ago and i haven’t really put i as much effort as i would’ve liked. I feel i don’t have the experience with writing to win any awards heheh. I would like to thank Meher for nominating me and ill give it a shot even if it doesn’t matter much.

My answers to his questions:


What does writing/Blogging mean to you

Writing/ Blogging is at the moment an outlet for my mental issues, a way to reach people, and hoping every day that someone, even if its only one person would listen. To just take the time and search trough my page and make them feel better about… life and to know that their not alone in this world and that there is someone out there who feels the same. Someone who also succumbs to self harm and also fall deep into the infinite blackness that we know as depression, not having the answers but also searching for them.


I you could visit any of your favorite places right now, which one would it be?

The one place that I want to visit that I have visited before isn’t a physical place but a mental place. a So called “happy place”, a place with no racism, no pain no wage gap, a place where equality truly exists. a Place where no one gets labeled by society, a place where people are measured by their accomplishments and not there mistakes.  My past, a time where nothing mattered and life was all about living, a time with no real responsibilities, and where your actions, even if it’s the right decision have no consequences and doesn’t hurt others. When I was younger, when I was living.


If you could change one thing about this world, what would it be and why?

This isn’t an easy question, since the world has so many flaws. No one thing would change the world, but it could change the world of but one. I would tear depression out of existence, yet that would not end depression. Because depression isn’t just one thing, sure it is a state of being but a state derived from many possibilities such as anxiety, trauma and loneliness to name just a few. If I am being honest with you I would not change a thing, I wont be able to truly change anything for wiping one problem from the face of the earth only gives fertile ground for many more to spawn from. My answer is: I wouldn’t change a damned thing.


What is your favorite childhood memory?

I am still a mere child so this question is somewhat blurred. My favorite “childhood” memory would be the day I found myself. The day I realized who I really am, and what I really stand for. The day i found my moral code and my sexuality, the day I knew how to make friends and the day I… I lost the person everyone told me I should be.


Do you ever face writers/bloggers block, and how do you deal with it?

Honestly I do, almost every time I write a single blog. I don’t really deal with it, I either leave it untill I have something to add to the discussion or I ramble about all my current thoughts on that situation. This however doesn’t occur when I am writing my poems as I let emotion guide my hands and I usually end up with something semi-inspiring.


If you could describe your writings in one word, what would it be?



What comes to mind when i say the word “peace”?

My every fiber tingles as I envision a world that doesn’t exist and never will. I have come to realize that the universe is in its own destructive way so tranquil and that our actions will inspire peace after countless wars to come. a Sense of oneness with all, a surreal enlightenment that one can only see after accepting that all is one and one is many, that we are all one being, one organism serving a lager purpose. What that purpose is however I fear we will never know. Our actions will accomplish peace every time like we have for millenia.


Do you think the present and the future generations will be able to bring about more of love and harmony in the world or do you think the worms of greed and hatred will consume us all?

Look to the past and you will see the future. There will never be an end to wars or humane struggles. It is those struggles that make us achieve greater things than ourselves. Through generations this question has been asked yet no one ever lives to see the answer. We as humans think linearly where in truth time isn’t liner but instead accelerating constantly. We make the world better in one way and cause more destruction in another way. The trick isn’t to hope for a better tomorrow but to hope for balance in the world. Hope that future generations would cause less and fewer animals to go extinct, less pollution, less corruption and a world where everyone has an equal and balanced opportunity to live happily.


What is the one thing you like most about blogging?

The one thing i like most is noticing the people who visit my page, even if they don’t like what is written on it and that they at least give it a fair chance.Seeing people through the filter which is the blog page helps me with my social anxiety and connect to others, helping them help me by helping them.


Do you like to read? which is your favorite book?

I don’t read to often mainly because I cannot find any books that really interests me in any way. I have seen many fantasy or sci-fi novels and whilst reading them immediately notice similarities to other novels. I get bored quickly with books that tell the same story over and over in a different way. I would love to buy some books that I have a real interest in.


…Plus there are no book stores close by and shopping online isn’t an option for me at this moment in time. I would like to read though, and if you have any suggestions I’m all ears! 🙂



Here are the questions I have:

  1. a Humming bird sits on a broken down oak tree, what does the bird think of the tree?

2. Do you think humans deserve to exist?

3. I a random person asks you “How was your day?” what would you normally                        answer with?

4. What is your favorite animal and why?

5. What is your moral values?

6.How can we truly change the world for the better?

7. a Dog barks into a bush at night, what is he barking at and why?(be creative)

8. What is your view on the concept of time?

9.What does Blogging/Writing mean to you as a person?

10. You have done everything you have set to do in this life, you have money, a family            and grandchildren. Yet on your death-bed though, no one is there by your side.                    Why?


Ps. I was in a depressed state when i wrote this… sorry but hope this still works… Now i don’t have anyone following my blogs except for Meher and Crumble-Cult so whatever, even if i dont win, it was fun answering these questions heheh. :)tx

Keep in mind I have no idea what im doing…

I would nominate more buuuutttt… meh.

Here are my nominees…


Mynameisdespair (because i like his page)


(unsure if i can nominate “HER again buuutttt whatever….)