An Imaginary Flower

I like her, I don’t like her

I like her…I don’t like her,

I wish for her, I cant have her

I like her, I hate her.


I know its wrong, but I don’t care

I want her, I won’t ever.

Please say it…but don’t

I like her…I don’t,

she likes me….I know she doesn’t!


Oh why oh why

do i feel like this again?

My mind…forget her,

my heart for hers?


Oh why oh why

is this so painful?

I like her…i dont care!

I like her and I dont care!


a Longing ecstasy


A small creature glides over the ocean

Whisping through many clouds with great devotion

Oh what could it be?

A timid creation or do my eyes deceive?

A little humming-bird is what I see.

It flies and flies for days on end

Facing hurricanes and storms without rest

Stout at heart but small as is

Comes to face his most vicious test

A puddle of land among the sea

A pebble, a crab and a palm tree

Here he decides to land,

Catches his breath upon touching the silver sand

His eyes widen as do mine

When we both see the beauty dancing along the shore

We scuttle and crawl in many a crooked line

To a bush not to far behind

She moves like water flickering in daylight

Then she turned and her smile, full and bright

Oh my little humming-bird dot fly off

I want to stay forever, but you

Take to the skies of purple and blue

Oh my sweet, maybe one day?

To which she replied

“Wake the Fuck up already!”

Beauty, What does that mean?

What is beauty? Define Beauty?

a Definition given by google:

“a Combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.”

So beauty is simply aesthetic? In one sense, yes… It can be. If you say “that is a really beautiful flower.” It is aesthetically pleasing indeed but can we look at beauty from a different perspective?

Inner beauty? No-matter how beautiful a person may be, it doesn’t mean they will have a beautiful personality. So, if you say: “She isn’t a super model, but she is beautiful where it counts, she is beautiful on the inside.” Sure, that can be another type of beauty, right?

Lets delve even deeper into the concept…wait! The concept of beauty? What would that mean? Well, lets change our previous statement a small bit: “She isn’t a super model, but she is beautiful to me.” a Vague way to express your emotion, but more pure than inner beauty. This would imply that the person isn’t just one of the two, inner or outer beauty but a combination of both to you.

Yet all of this still does not explain the concept of beauty?

What about art? We have only been discussing personal beauty, but what of something that isn’t biological? You may say: “This is a masterpiece! the colours used are so extravagant yet so calming. This is truly beautiful.” We are creating a new definition of beauty as we go, yet this still applies to the very aesthetic we discussed earlier. All of these examples focuses on something or someone. Perhaps there is more to just aesthetic beauty?

I don’t think we fully uncovered the concept of beauty so lets revisit the topic.

If we would step away from our current thought process, can we say that not the “thing” or “person” is beautiful but the idea? Lets revise our previous statement to help us understand: “This work of art is exquisite but the meaning of the piece is even more beautiful.” This way we are not focusing on the aesthetic yet the very idea. The meaning behind the subject. However this only raises more questions doesn’t it? If we follow this thought process where an idea is beautiful, does that mean everything is at its core, beauty?

Lets explore this new found concept.

Lets make an extremely bold statement: “The Holocaust was beautiful.” I know, I know… I just lost you and your probably very angry with me right now, hell you might even unfollow me for even thinking that but… What if I’m right? Just hear me out, If beauty is an idea and the concept of an idea is beautiful then the idea of the Holocaust is, at its core beautiful.  This is what I like to call chaotic beauty.

Let me explain:

Chaotic beauty: finding beauty in aftermath or during the occurrence of a tragedy. If we follow this idealism we can say that every tragedy is then also beautiful. For example, think of all the medical advancements made because of the human experiments that where done in Germany during the Second World War. The Nature reserve project first implemented by Hitler? Or maybe we can look at it from a different angle, Why did WWII happen in the first place? Why where all the minority forced out of Germany and when they resisted where forced into concentration camps and killed? Hitler had an idea, his idea was to rise Germany from poverty, and take revenge for the injustice done by the allied nations, to create an empire full of pure blooded Germans. So when it was set in motion, the chaos that followed was beautiful. It was an Idea made reality, and again, if an idea is beautiful then when made into reality, the actions must be beautiful aswell right?

Now I am not saying what he did was morally correct, in fact I believe it was cruel, when I look at it from a different angle. Wait a second! Perspective, angles?

Is that what real beauty is? Only an idea, a certain Perspective of the situation or person? If that’s true, then not anything nor nothing is beautiful. This delving far too deep into the unexplored areas of our human minds, and if we continue we may not be able to reach sanity again…so I’ll leave it at that, for now. Tell me What you think? Do you agree with my hypothesis? If not, then comment on what you might find beauty to be, I’d love to hear you out! If you’d like to hear me ramble on more about topics similar to this, please like the page to let me know!


Thank you!



Story Time with a touch of God?

So for whatever reason you follow my blog page, or even if you don’t, to find some emotion within yourself, whatever that emotion may be…when reading one or more of my posts, poems and more, all I ask is to bare with me in these times. Because as sad and depressing this may sound, you the reader is at the moment more real to me than my own reality. I just want to also thank you for sticking with me if you’ve been following my scriptures for some time, and if your new… welcome my faceless friend.


Right, well… If you are religious I want to ask that you either turn away at this point or if you feel up to it embark with me upon a journey that you may not have heard before. a Sort of perspective that may not be apparent to everyone and without further ado please, enjoy-ish….


Where to start? Well i guess ill have to go way way back, to when i was but a child not even old enough to grow my first chin hairs. My family was always religious, and i predict they will remain that way at least on my father’s side. I was brought up in a christian home, where both my parents claim to have witnessed miracles themselves, where God saved my mother from jumping of a quite bridge at 2am. to saving my father from having to vacate our home, sell all our belongings and to find us an old tree to sleep under. These occurrences happened far back into the past, to when my mother was still carrying me inside her womb. Yet one thing i have experienced through countless disappointments in Christ is that no matter how many metaphors there may be in the bible or how many stories i can be told about miracles, in the end remain stories. I say this because without experiencing these so-called miracles myself they remain fiction, an image created by my imagination, you see, in the end no matter how many witnesses of miracles I speak to, I will never have any idea as to what they are talking about because of my lack of experience.


So back to the story, I was a joyful child. Without worry or regret. Why you may ask? well because I was a christian at one time in my life, I was manipulated to believe things that I have no evidence of, and i suspect i never will have evidence of. So in my own world, oblivious to reality I was…happy… Then one day things changed, subtle at first and later on snowballing into chaos. You see the church i was in, the pastor at the front, giving his speeches was a master of manipulation. My mother at the time was going through a rough patch, she also suffers from countless mental disorders like myself and the cunning church used those inabilities that resided within my mother to convince my father she was unholy…a demon in human form… Needless to say, he was brainwashed enough to believe them, and choose their words over the one he loved most. This predicament almost cost my family dearly, I can still remember the fights they would have each night behind closed doors. They must have actually believed that i was really asleep, I always was a good actor in dire times i guess. Time passed and, my father luckily came too, and we left that Godless place. Ever since then I am unable to see a house of God with the same eyes.


I started realizing small hints of manipulation within the churches, things that if you are not careful, you can fall prey to as well. Ever really sat down and thought why? Why do you need to pay a tenth? My reasoning is simple, look at the car the pastor drives… the house he lives in, the jewelry his wife wares ( if he has one). They say its symbolic, a way to give back to God… but where did it come from? Well that’s a history lesson for another day, for now ill give a simple explanation; Roman Catholic Churches, but the trail back doesn’t stop there, ancient Egyptians? How you in those times you had to give an “offering” to merely set foot inside a temple? Maybe even further back? Maybe basic human nature itself? In truth, we are greedy… simply put, we strive to better ourselves and once we have, we look down on others, no matter how many times you may deny it. We turn to religion when we feel heavy with guilt, believing that something beyond our comprehension loves us and forgives us for what we’ve done, even if the victim of our discrimination doesnt. We manipulate to gain favor within others, so that some day we can use our “kindness” against them. We fear death, so its only natural to use our imagination to put our fears to rest, believing that there’s life after life. Who am i to say that there is or isn’t? Again, I have no experience with death so i cannot say what is true and what is false. I am not religious, I think you know that by now if you are still reading this but im am not not religious. I am simply unaffiliated and in a way my view of the world isnt all that much sunshine and rainbows but I truly think that is necessary for us as a whole to learn, by asking questions. I am not telling you to abandon your religion, no… I am simply urging you to think. To not look at the world through a two toned veil, where there is only good and evil. Look at the evil, and see the good and vise versa. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to manipulation of church or temple. Wake up! Think!


Why am i saying this all of a sudden? well i visited a church recently, its been a while since i did something like this… and nothings changed. I only wish they would be honest, say the tenth is to further the church, to by yourself new clothes, say its paying for a service… don’t say its the will of God. Be modest, don’t say things like christians are all about saving lives, when you never saved anyone. Dont say that you dont judge because i heard the whispers all around me while i wasnt singing. My scars are MINE and MINE to bare!…and dont look at me and smile, hoping i would sing along….


I don’t have a problem with God, I have a problem with His children.

and news flash by the way… don’t ask God for forgiveness, ask the person you’ve sinned against…that way you might save a life….

I have this image burned into my head…. I was sitting there, in the church, watching everyone pay there tenths, smiling. As we drove out of the parking area… i saw a homeless man, no one batted an eye.


Thank you…. and if you have questions or want to enlighten me… please don’t be scared to email me at or




Another midnight thought

My words thou hear, oh why do you remain silent?

My cries and tears, hopeless dreams and exciting nightmares.

When I need those words spoken, thou would disappear,

Yet in my mind, clustered and weak-

Holy terrors abide my heart for I am one

and thou are many.

Confused, flustered, oblivious- these are my many worlds

and you, my sweet embrace, you my agony.

Dear crows wont you take me to a world without feeling

for my soul, heavy, sinks everlasting.

My thoughts diluted as poison spills from my hands

Dear lord wont you help me!

Save me, like so many before myself.

My loneliness, my shame, my thoughts.

Thou have me shackled, chained to a rusted post

and i feel the scraping of rust against my mind.

Oh my love, please forgive me.

I am broken, shattered and unworthy-

All who you despise, Me, myself and I.




The ridicule laughter

to an obnoxious disaster.

Overreaction coupled with anger

fueled by self incompetents.

what follows is embarrassment,

on ones face clearly evident…

an act of memorial sentiment.

Yet if only you’d known

this moment in your life,

will soon be irrelevant.


What do i do?

I don’t often get questions asked a lot even i want people to ask.


Question: What do I like to do in my spare time?

My answer: Nothing

Question: What kind of music do I like?

My answer: All of it

Question: What games do i play?

My answer: None of them


Something must be wrong with me.

I love questions but hate my answers.